Looking Back at January

2011.

So I started the year watching and reading angst. Maybe that's why my whole year turned crappy. Well, sort of.

January wasn't that great of a month for me. I was busy with school work, which I wasn't sure I could have handled considering my inability to concentrate for long periods of time and my apparent lack of sleep because of insomnia (which was probably caused by overthinking).

I also had a trip down memory lane during the time when I was still in high school and it really surprises me how much things have changed since then. But I think I'm still as emotionally-repressed as ever.

I really don't have much to say about my January. So I'll just leave a picture of me doing something productive for that month -- which is volunteering for AECES Interface. And oh, please do pardon my face.

Waiting for the groups at F325 with Charlotte and AJ.

With the other Interface volunteers after a successful 1st day. :)

Also, here's a picture of me looking so much stressed. I wasn't lying when I said it had been a busy month.

Haggardo Verzosa, much?

Year End Reminiscing

I had this wonderful idea of looking at how the year went for me so I decided I'm going to make a post for each month this year.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to accomplish by doing this but hopefully I'll figure it out by the time I'm done with it.

And of course I'm also making a draft about my "Grown Up New Year's Resolution List".

So there.

That moment when you get pissed off because someone unexpectedly made you smile.

Well, I wasn't really pissed off that much. It's just that I wasn't really expecting anything (although I admit I was kind of still hoping) and it suddenly came out of the blue and I didn't realize I was already smiling from something so trivial and it disturbs me why I reacted like that in the first place.

Le sigh.


But I feel like I can finally move on now. I don't think he hates me after all. I feel so silly all of a sudden. There goes five years of paranoia and over-thinking. Haha. Well, it's not like I can ask him straight to his face if he hates me or not. Still, five years is a bit too much, even for me. I'm just glad this is settled now. No more awkwardness in the future, I hope. :)

Happy RuHanaRu Day!

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone stands
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
with the life held in your
hands are shaking cold
these hands are meant to hold


Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
move along, move along like I know you do
Even when your hope is gone
move along, move along just to make it through
move along, move along


So a day when you've lost yourself completely
could be a night where your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
hands are shaking cold
these hands are mine to hold



Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
move along, move along like I know you do
Even when your hope is gone
move along, move along just to make it through
move along, move along


When everything is wrong, we move along
Right back what is wrong, we move along

Love is the most important thing.

It's not about how much you have, how much you know, or how much you do. It's about how well you love. Love is what matters most.

How well I love, huh? I'm not really sure.

I feel like I need to do this so I can finally move on. This will be the last, I promise.

19 days. 19 more fucking days until the Most Dreaded Day(s) of the Year.

I know I'm running out of time. I know that. My heart is in a panic but at the same time, I just want to get this done and over with and move on to another phase in my life. This has been going on for far too long already and I feel like that during that entire time, I did more thinking than studying.

This exam is a pathetic excuse for a Licensure Exam.

I do not mean to offend anybody by this but it's true. I just don't see the point in memorizing a gazillion equations and bazillion of terms for this. Fuck, I haven't even encountered more than half of these terms and equations until we took up review and coaching classes. It's like 'take in everything you can until your brain explodes from too much fucking useless information'.

My mind just doesn't work that way. Tangina, kaya nga ako nag-engineer kasi ayokong mag-memorize tapos biglang ganito yung board exam? Tangina lang talaga.

If they really wanted to measure how much of an "engineer" we all are, then maybe they should start looking at the five years we spent in college rather than those six months that we tried to cram all the information in our heads in hopes of passing the board exam.

If I had wanted to memorize a bunch of stupid sections of laws or whatnot, I would have taken up Law, goddammit.

I'm not even sure why I'm doing this. I don't know if I still want this. I am no quitter but I'm tired of fighting. I just don't see the point anymore.

Well, at this rate, I'm not getting my hopes up that I would actually pass the board exam. Of course I'd be happy if I did but I'm not giving myself any false hopes. I don't think I want this bad enough like others do. It's hard to do your best when you don't know what you're doing it for. I'll be giving it my best shot, though. And whatever happens after that, I'd leave it up to Him.

Kayo na Po ang bahala sakin, sa amin.

Manhid

Okay lang kasi kung ako lang pero nadadamay na yung ibang tao e.


Please naman, wag kang masyadong manhid. Hindi sayo umiikot ang mundo.

Enough with the fake smiles.

I miss you, too.

L-R: Me, Jan-Jan, Michael, Cameh, Chaii, a spot saved for Fran,
 Ronna, Jason, Benny, Railla, Miguel, Ryan, Gerrald, Mae

I mean, U2.

I miss my blockmates. I wonder when we can have another get-together like this one. It's like we're all over the place and we can't even sit for a dinner once in a while. Jan-Jan's in Saudi for his MS, Gerrald's in Singapore for training, Benny's in Canada, and the rest are either working or reviewing for the board exam. Everybody's been so busy and with the exception of Ronna and Mae, who at least I still regularly see, I haven't seen the rest of my blockmates or talk to them, at the very least.

Well, hopefully after the board exam we can have a block dinner again or something. It would be nice to see them again. :)

On another note, I'm looking forward to having dinner with Chaii, Cameh and Ronna this Thursday. We've been planning this for so long and I'm glad we've finally set aside time for it. :)

We're past the point of no return.

Pano kung ayoko na pala? Kung biglang suko na ako?

Things to do After the Board Exam

watch:

• Naruto Shippuuden
• Natsume Yuujinchou San
• Bleach
• Katekyo Hitman Reborn
• Ano Hi Mita Hana
• Nurarihyon no Mago
• Death Note
• Ao no Exorcist
• Detective Conan
• No. 6
• Hunter x Hunter
• Break Blade
• Psych (season 6)
• Game of Thrones (season 1 -2)

read:

• Sophie's World
• Game of Thrones
• Quidditch Through the Ages
• Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

others:

• get passport
• learn how to drive (and get a driver's license)
• apply for job

My things to watch got a little out of hand. And I may have forgotten a few things. I'll get back on this last later. 

"Life wasn't nearly as hard as he'd thought, it was dying that was the hard part. Living when you knew for sure it wasn't forever. That was hard."

(Cinnamon, Beautiful World)

sinabi ko naman sayo na wag na, pero ang kulit mo.

last na yun, ha? lagi ka na lang nasasaktan e.

please lang, teh, tama na, okay?

Maybe you have to stop waiting for someone 

to come along and fix what’s wrong.
Maybe you have to muster all the strength you have
and find the courage to do this on your own.
Maybe sometimes you just have to be your own hero and say: “I can do this”

Not Again

Dear subconscious,

Why?

Why are you doing this to me?

Haven't you ever heard of the phrase "move on"? Why do you have to keep on reminding me of people things I don't want to be reminded of? You are so damn unfair.

It didn't even make sense. Why would I choose... them over hanging out with my high school friends? Why do they even have to be so nice at all?

Sigh. You never listen to me, do you? I'm trying to forget but you keep on forcing me to remember. This is absolutely going nowhere.

Just... leave me be, okay?


Confused and frustrated,
Rachel

かえでーにいちゃん、

私はあなたのすべてを見逃す。



かおり

Of Meteor Showers and Brandies

(This is an overdue post, dated 15th of December 2007. I found this on a piece of paper when I was rummaging my things. Haha.)

2:17 am

Spontaneous parties are the best parties that could ever happen. No programs, no expected visitors, no plans whatsoever. Just pure fun. And it's the third time I drank this school year -- first one this semester. It's Fundador this time. lol

It's close to 5am already... I'm 20 hours awake and still counting... I think I just had a few minute-long eye-shuts and that's all the sleep I got for the night.

Five minutes to 5 and still wide awake. Here I am in McDonalds this early in the morning, acting like some nerd, reading my Psychology book. Yup, I finished the whole goddamned boring chapter.

I had a few shots of brandy diluted in coke last night. And a cup of red wine. I'm not drunk, seriously. Just... sleep deprived, I guess. I look like hell I think. Gah! But the best thing about last night was the meteor shower. It was fun gazing at the night sky, waiting for millisecond-long meteor showers. But I wasn't able to wish for something in the end. Boo. I'm such a loser. >.<

Gah! I'm too tired. Myabe I'm dying. Shit. No way. I wanna go home and get some sleep. Help me. I'm dying. Seriously. I'm starting to look stupid here. Geez, c'mon. I've been here for like, four hours or so. It's getting cold and I want my blanket. I'm getting a bit light-headed. Shit. What am I gonna do? I have a class in three hours. I haven't gone home yet. I haven't had any sleep. And I just want to lie in my bed. Forever, if possible. Wah, I'm writing nonsense. Blch. I wanna take a bath! T.T Toture, bloody torture.

(hahahaha ang sabaw ko lang nito.)

Ayoko na.

It's the same thing happening all over again.

Did I do something wrong? Or is it because I didn't do anything in the first place?

We've played this game before and I don't want to go through all of that again.


You'd know you've been really hurt when you cried over something more than you've cried over the last Harry Potter movie.

"Isn't it beautiful? I don't think I've ever seen the sky this color. I love it."

"How can you say that? It's gray."

"Does that make it bad? You always know it'll turn back to blue. It's comforting."

"What if… it never turns back?"

"Then learn to love it when it's gray."

The introvert in me is asking for space.

I need my "me" time.

____________________

How much more accurate can my tarot reading get?


Sigh.

Am I being oversensitive? Or are people around me too insensitive to know I'm not in the mood?

'tang na loob. Leave me alone.

Ah, fuck this.

I don't know how to start ranting without giving away the fact who I'm pissed off at lately. I don't want to name names, if I can. It's just... it stresses me up so much and I can't focus and it's stupid. Really stupid. I get pissed off at every little thing they do or say and it's unhealthy.

Kung nakakamatay ang sama ng loob, I'd probably be dead by now.

私はこれができない。

私はあなたと一緒にできない。

私はここからにげたい。やがて。

Just a rant before I go to bed

It's cold, I feel like I'm running a slight temperature and I'm getting pissed at a lot of things easily. Ugh.


I'm not sure why I even check social networking sites (except for tumblr) only to be annoyed when I read about people post about how they're doing this or that and which only sounds like they're fucking showing off. We get it okay? We fucking get it. You don't need to proclaim to the world how much of an accomplished person you are. Or how you're prancing around almost practically everywhere.

Just... fucking shut up, okay? If it weren't so rude to unfollow you, I will. Well, I think I just might. We're not even close in the first place. Tsk.


____


I'm sorry. I just need inner peace right now.

Lies!

Dear subconscious,

When I said thought I wanted to see him in my dreams, I was being sarcastic, you know. You didn't have to take me so seriously. And you didn't have to make him so nice in my dream. That's like defying all laws of gravity and whatnot. He is definitely not nice.

Also, I think he doesn't have a younger brother. Stop making up fake people (even though I know it's a dream).

I can't really remember what the dream was. I just remember saying that his younger brother pwnd me somehow. I can't recall what he did, though. Apparently, someone else's younger brother also pwnd me earlier in my dream and that would make two kids bullying me in my dream. God, I'm such a push-over.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. Just... next time, when I say I want to see him, don't listen to me, okay?


Love,
Rachel


P.S.
I don't know why I used the word "pwnd". I don't know any other words to describe what happened and it was the first thing that was on my mind when I woke up.

Hello, lover.

Oh, I meant "blogger". Silly me.

I guess I haven't been writing much lately. Well, except for a few random snippets of my thoughts which rarely make sense at all.

I miss writing. I miss it so damn much. But words are escaping me lately. I feel like my muses have abandoned me for good (I really hope they didn't, for the love of my sanity).

See? This is hopeless. I've been trying to write something for the past hour or so and it's not working. My mind refuses to dwell on the things I want to talk about and it's making everything so damn hard because I honestly can't focus on anything else when I'm like this. I rarely talk about things and now that I can't even write about them, I feel like I'm going to explode. I haven't even seriously started studying for the board exam yet (except for the homeworks) and I know this can't go on for much longer, unless I want to royally fuck up during the exam proper.

I really need to do something to get my muses back. I need to write again. I have to.

Hindi naman ako nagseselos eh.

konti lang.

I made a new blog.

I call it "An Idiot's Guide for the ECE Board Exam".

It's a relatively useless blog, if I may say. Maybe I'll post some useless "tips" and random notes and whatsoever. God, I'm wasting so much cyberspace.

Everyone's calling me "Razzi" all of a sudden

It's kind of freaking me out.

No one except my high school friends calls me by that name until recently. I mean, it's fine with me but I just find it weird to hear someone who is not from high school call me that.

But it's cool, don't worry. I just need to get used to it. Haha.

You can call me by any name. You can even call me Mrs. Cumberbatch. But that's another story. :D

I've been Cumberbatched

Mr. Cumberbatch, sir,

If you would be so kind and get yourself out of my head, that would be very much appreciated. Review classes have started and I cannot afford to let you occupy what little of the remaining space I have in my brain.

Oh god, you. Just stop being so… so… oh, I don’t even know what to call you.

Thank you.


Sincerely,
Rachel

hold on to that steering wheel
and I'll take the passenger seat
we'll have the stereo on full-blast
and travel that road to nowhere

my heart is yours to fill or burst
to break or bury
or wear as jewelry
whichever you prefer

I think I may have fallen in love again with a bastard which goes by the name of Izaya.

I don't know what's the deal between me and bastards. I might be some sort of a masochist or something.

On an entirely different note, I had a dream about Mario Maurer the other night. He's fucking hot.

Lord, teka lang, wait, ang puso ko po.

take the words away from me
and I will be left with nothing

kung matapang lang ako,
sa'yo ko binigay ang puso blue rose ko.

Hold On

I close my eyes
and let myself drown
in this whirlpool of regret
reaching out for every bit of hope I can grasp ---
hoping that someone would take my hand
and save me from this hell I myself created

but now I realize
'tis a place where the sun doesn't shine
and now I'm drowning here
in this sea of lie and pretence
waiting for someone to take my hand ---

and as I slip away
from every bit of sanity
that is left in me
the bittersweet pain of reality hit me hard:
that no matter how hard i try to escape,
there simply is no way out

and finally darkness held me in a cold embrace
all those years of waiting has come to an end
but only one thing is for certain:
I did not let go ---
they just forgot to hold on.

(c) 2006

That was when I finally let myself cry. I cried for him. I cried for myself. I cried for what could have been.


If only I had just found the courage to tell him.


If only I had quit putting it off until someday.


My someday had never come.



I really should stop reading angst stories. T_T

The Pulse will be beating soon

The Pulse Staff
(L-R: Adrian, Kris, Vincent, Via, Rachel, EJ, AJ, Keir, Chris)

Meet the staff of Pulse, the (supposedly-printed-but-turned-online) publication of AECES.

We're going to release the online magazine soon so watch out for it! :)


And now back to editing the articles. Dun dun dun...

The what-ifs and could-have-beens

The most painful thoughts are the what ifs and could have beens.

...what if I finished it on time?

...I could have been part of that, too. 

But there's nothing I can do about it now.

Dear ECCE 2011,

You guys are the best. I love you. ♥

Like, major major. Haha.


Love,
Rachel


P.S.
Sorry emo. Kakatapos lang ng Pabaon e. Trololol.

Troll troll trolling in Omegle

I was supposed to be doing some editing tonight but I got bored and decided to troll in Omegle instead.

Well, tried to troll, that is. I ended up having a decent conversation with someone. I fail at trolling. Le sigh.

He said his name is James. I was instantly reminded of James from Team Rocket. Ha.

I also tried trolling using Disney song lyrics. It was more successful than the previous one, if I may say. And I love how he's clueless that it was a song.

Dear people-who-make-me-smile-even-when-we're-miles-apart,

Thank you. It means a lot to me.

I love you.


Much love,
Rachel

She sits there with a cup of coffee, a book in hand.


Minutes passed, a page of the book is turned. She glances at her watch and takes a sip of her coffee.


People continue to pass her by. She watches them. They come and go. Some stay for a while, some leave quickly.


She turns to her book again, drowns herself in the words. Falling, feeling. 


Another page is turned.


"You're coffee's getting cold," someone says. She looks up and shrugs nonchalantly.


"Took you long enough," she says. "The coffee isn't the only one getting cold." 


A coat is offered in apology. It was ignored.


She stands up to leave. The coffee cup was half-empty, the book unfinished. 

Incoherent Thoughts

This was a cryptic attempt to express my thoughts of shifting out of my course, dated two years ago.

I think this was one of those times that I was seriously contemplating on shifting out and not just simply ranting about how I really don't like my course anymore and how much I'm fed up with it. I wouldn't have made it cryptic if it were only that simple.

If all goes well, I would finally be graduating in less than two months after five years of shedding blood, tears, and sweat to get through ECE. Of course I would be happy when that day comes. But I'm not sure if I would be ecstatic. I mean, I'm still unsure of what I would want to do after graduation. I don't want to work. I can't imagine myself working in some company. And even if reviewing for the board exam seems like an escape route from working, I honestly don't feel like taking it just for the sake of being an "engineer". I once thought it would be cool to be labeled as such. I'm just not so sure what to think of it now.

Less than two months left, now... I know shifting out is not an option anymore so I need to pull myself together and give it all I've got. Konti na lang.

The Art of Being Pissed Off

It's an art. Because I said so.

And it takes years of practice to master it. Not days, years. Because it wouldn't be that nice if you spend everyday of your life looking like you've got a stick shoved up your... uhh... nose.


First you start with...

[1] a cold shoulder

• Ignore people. 
• Speak in monosyllables (if not at all). 
• Reply with nods and shrugs.

then...

[2] be indifferent

• Pull on a poker face. 
• Emit an if-you-come-any-closer-you're-dead aura. 
• Glare at nothing in particular.

and finally...

[3] snap

• A string of colorful curses would be nice start (you can either mutter it under your breath or say it out quite loudly). 
• Slam doors when you walk in/out of a room/car. 
• Throw things around carelessly (doesn't necessarily have to be yours). 
• Snap at random people. 
• Continue glaring. 
• Don't walk away - stomp.

Note: This may change in a couple of days/weeks/months/years whensoever due to.. more accurate... uhh... observations. Ha.

This is from my Multiply blog. I thought it would only be appropriate to reblog this here since I seem to get pissed off a lot easily lately. I would say it was just the hormones but really, people around me are acting like jerks recently and I don't know how to deal with them anymore.

I just made a scene in McDonald's and along Katipunan.

I should feel like an idiot but I don't really care because I'm fucking pissed and I don't give a flying fuck about anything right now.

Walking out is one thing.

Walking out without giving a fuck if I leave my laptop and wallet behind is an entirely different thing. Yes, I was really pissed beyond reason.

あなたとこのをできれらない。

A Little Bit of Motivation

I need things to look forward to so I can get through the whole of February, which I think would be the hellest of all the hell months I have ever been through. Having said that, here's my things-to-do-list for March:

1. catch up on anime/mangas
2. cooking lessons with Momi Mae [03.15/16]
3. ice skating at Mall of Asia with batchmates [03.09]
4. try Fuzion's smoothie with vodka
5. write fanfictions
6. continue doodles and sketches
7. clean room 
8. tumblr like there's no tomorrow
9. breakfast with Chaii and Janine
10. finish blog entries in drafts
11. videoke like craaaazy [03.08]
12. horror movie marathons at Faura
13. DotA with F308 guys + sir Rod
14. Rockband until one of my fingers falls off [02.26]
15. Tagaytay trip to watch sunset
16. finish Golden Sun 2
17. play tennis [03.16]

The Final Countdown

So I listed all the requirements I need to get done before February ends. Just looking at it makes me want to turn back now. Le sigh. But this is it. It's the last of the hell months before we can finally graduate. Wish us all the best of lucks.

TCOM152.1
1. quiz (feb19)
2. project (feb21)
3. finals (feb24)
4. bonus paper (feb24)


TCOM152.2
1. project (feb21)


TCOM126
1. long test (feb21)
2. finals (feb23)
3. project


JSP104
1. kanji quiz (feb16)
2. kanji quiz (feb18)
3. finals (feb24)


ECE163
1. seminar papers (jan28)


CE180
1. midterms (feb3)
2. project (feb24)


ECE191.2
1. code (feb7)
2. first draft (feb18)
3. defense (feb16)
4. hardbound copy (feb28)

Can we just skip February and go straight to March? 

Freefall

Really, if I had wanted to be suddenly plunged into mid-air, I would have signed up for a bungee jump experience. I can't remember giving you permission to push me off a cliff.

Do you get some kind of thrill out of being an asshole?

Or are you deliberately being one just to piss me off?

If you're doing it on purpose, it's working really well. I mean, you're the only one who have ever pissed me off using earphones, anyway. That has got to be an accomplishment for you, isn't it?

If it's war you want, then I'm gonna give it to you. I swear, before the year ends, I am going to find an excuse to punch you in the face. Maybe then I could knock the asshole-ness out of you.


Rachel - 3
Mr. Prissy Pants - 4

Four Stars for Three Idiots

This is exactly the kind of movie people need to watch before they enter college.


(I will edit this later when I'm more coherent.)

Of Banoffee Pies and Short Notes

You still owe me a slice of this, darling.

Glücklich Geburtstag.

Dear You,


Remember when we used to talk about cupcakes and whatnot? Or how it would be lovely to have a tea party out in the garden? Or how you're so good at baking and how I'm just not made for the kitchen (I'm still waiting for that banoffee pie you promised me, you know.)?


Remember when I just got out of the hospital and you told me to 'get well soon'? Or how I kept on saying the same thing to you for several days because your surgery schedule kept on being pushed to a later date because your doctor wasn't available?


Remember when we used to listen to John Mayer and Neutral Milk Hotel non-stop? Or how we drool over pictures of Jon Kortajarena without his shirt on?


Well... I'm just trudging down the path of sweet ol' nostalgia. And I'm dragging you along with me.


I miss you, idiot.




Love,
Me




P.S.
I figured out that playing Moffatt's 'I Miss You Like Crazy' at a time like this doesn't help at all.

Bipolar

"Sometimes I am inclined to believe that I really am bipolar."

That's what I wrote on Dexter's Facebook wall last night. He brainwashed me into thinking that I am one. Well, it isn't that bad, knowing that he's just as bipolar as me (maybe worse), but what the hell.

Here's what urban dictionary has to say about being bipolar:

Seriously, these mood swings are a**-fuck crazy. See my last post? I was practically emitting happy, gay waves earlier. And right now? There are clouds of impending doom and gloom hovering over me, it's not even funny. :|

And the reason for these clouds? I was a bit (a bit, I swear!) jealous about something. I was more pissed, though. Tsss. Le sigh.

Ugh, these effing mood swings really need to leave me alone.


BV go away
come again no other day
Rachel really wants to be gay (as in "happy" gay)

Of Childhood Blues and Lego Crews

Last night, I had this sudden urge to play Legos. I really, really wanted to, that I was almost crying tears of want. I even considered calling my mom (at 11:35 in the evening!) just to tell her to send it through LBC. But then again, I don't have a good enough excuse for having it mailed so suddenly. Well, aside from my weird urges to relive my childhood, that is.

Anyway, Kelvin replied to my emo post in tumblr and offered to bring his Legos to school. And here they are! Ta-da! :D 

I seriously felt like my five-year old self when I got them this morning. It's pure bliss. :)

Though, I have a feeling no one would be able to talk to me tonight when I get home. Hahahaha.

My Tear Glands are Fine

I was kind of getting worried that my eyes are getting dry easily lately and that I wasn't my usual cry-over-the-simplest-things self and I thought that maybe there's something wrong with my tear glands or that I might be getting a little bit too unemotional (which I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not). But those notions were shot down the drain after I've finished watching Parent Trap.

This has got to be one of my favorite childhood movies. And I really really liked Lindsay here. She was awesome (oh, I'm sorry for speaking in the past tense). But I cannot remember if I cried over this movie when I watched it as a child. I think I might have but I cannot be so sure. I don't know what made me cry this time but it wasn't like I was crying the whole time. It was only when they found out that they were twins. And when Hallie met their mom and Annie met their dad. And when Hallie told their mom that she wasn't Annie. And when Jessie found out Annie wasn't Hallie. And when Nick and Elizabeth were kinda getting back together. And when they finally got back together. Okay, so maybe I was crying for about almost half the time... Sigh. I'm a sucker for this kind of movies, aren't I?

But yeah, it's good to know that my tear glands are still functional. I'm off to bed now. I hope Mr. Insomnia leaves me alone tonight. I really need my sleep. And I mean really.

And my Horoscope says...

"Watch your health all month but mainly near January 4 and 19."

Does it really have to be so specific? Haha.


"It is no wonder you fell in love with a Pisces; this is one of the most heavenly matches for you because you share a near-psychic ability to communicate." (astrologyzone.com)


What the hell. Hahahaha. Now, that is simply epic.

But my tarot reading tells another story:

"The Tower heralds a testing time emotionally today, dear rachel, while the Hermit indicates a powerful sense of solitude and melancholy. You are feeling abandoned by those around you, misunderstood by those you love, and totally helpless about your emotional future. Shut yourself away, stand back and consider calmly the life choices that you see before you. Under the influence of the Hermit and the Star, it is difficult for you to make any headway in your professional life. It is likely that your projects are crawling along slowly and that any suggestions you make lack forcefulness. You simply don’t have the strength or the willpower to fight for your ideas, or even make yourself heard, and this kind of lethargy is going to be working against you today. What are you proposing to do about it?" (tarot.horoscope.com)

It's still bordering on the truth, though.

White Lies

They ruined your face.

It would’ve been almost impossible to recognize you. With your right eye shut closed and your cheeks spread so wide, you couldn’t have possibly been uglier than a toad.

But I know it’s you. Even with my eyes closed I would know if it’s you.

You can dye your hair red. Or hide behind all the glamours you know. But those deep green orbs won’t lie. They scream of you – of everything that is you.

There isn’t a room for doubt. I know it’s you.

“I can’t be sure…”

But no one else needs to know.

End.

(A hundred word drabble from my LJ)

Of Countless Sheep and Sleepless Nights

I cannot remember the last time that I had a good night's sleep.

Probably that one time when I was absolutely dead tired, I was practically knocked out on my bed the minute I got home. And that was so long ago.

I have had this "jet lag" syndrome ever since the semester started. Wait, no. Ever since sem break started and I haven't gotten rid of it even until now. It's driving me insane already. It's extreme insomnia bordering on nocturnality and it's not even funny anymore.

I've got a lot of theories why I couldn't sleep. One if which is because I've been thinking a lot. And I mean, a lot. One thought just keeps on drifting to another and they just keep my mind occupied until I'm finally able to sleep. I guess this is also why I'm blogging a lot lately. The thoughts just won't stop coming. And it doesn't really help that I'm feeling a bit anti-social lately. My introversy is making itself known. I know I'm not talkative on normal days but I'm even less talkative lately.

And remember how I said that my attention span is like that of a goldfish's? Well, I take that back. It's even less than that now. It doesn't take much to distract me lately. One second I'm doing something and the next thing I know, an hour has passed and I've just been staring at nothing the whole time. Yeah, it's gotten that worse.

I think I really need to see a therapist. Sigh.

Christmas break hangover

I don't want to go back to school yet. >.<

Because going back to school means that this is really it. That I would be swamped with piles and piles of school work, that we would have to really work on our thesis, that we would be graduating in a couple of months (hopefully).

It's all happening too fast and I don't like it. I need more time.

UPCAT Results are out.

I'm just a bit depressed about the fact that I never experienced that "giddiness/anxiety attack" high school seniors have while waiting for the college entrance exam results.

I mean, four years ago, internet wasn't always readily available in school and you are one of the lucky ones if you get to bring a laptop in the dormitory. Even then, you can only access the internet in the computer room. I guess we weren't as much technology-advanced and dependent back then as we are right now.

I did not experience constantly refreshing a certain university's website so I can access the results right away. I was not one of those who line up in front of those boards, squeezing myself between other people so I can check my name on the list (but I did this when my sister took the ACET).

And looking back at it now, it's like I didn't really care if I passed or not. Or maybe I cared less then. I don't know. I don't even remember being ecstatic when the results are out and they told me that I passed. Maybe I was a bit relieved. I was just like "Okay, I passed. Now what?"

I wished I showed a bit more emotion. It seems like I wasn't at all grateful that I passed all the entrance exams that I took. But it's not like I wasn't really grateful. I was but I guess I just wasn't interested in going to college at that time. I mean, I wasn't ready to give up high school yet.

I never like changes. And going to college would be a major change for me. I had to live further away from home. Meet new people. Adjust my comfort zone. And a lot more.

And it's happening again right now. I took a job entrance exam, passed it, and now they are asking me for a personality interview schedule which I am not replying to. Maybe I am scared. Scared because this stuff is supposed to be for grown-ups and I am not quite the grown-up everyone else seems to be.

But I'll get there someday. Maybe.

Bluer that Blue

Ask me what I did yesterday.

I went reading a fanfiction knowing fully well that it was angst, and that I am absolutely weak against angsts, which sent me crying my eyes out on the wee hours of New Year.

And I was also bailing my eyes out before the day ended because I decided to watch The Last Song halfway through watching I Love You, Man and it was a stupid idea because no matter how good the movie was, my eyes are now all red and puffy.

I've always known I'm a masochist but even on the first day of the year? Well, that's a new low, even for me.

And wow, I'm unconsciously playing sad songs. Isn't this just great. :|

Anyway, I'm still hoping for an awesome year ahead. I will be hell of a lot busy during the next two months and well, I hope I survive all the stress and pressure.

Wish me luck.


Much love and a promise to cheer up,
rachel