If I get any bluer than this, I'll turn gray.

I'm panicking.

I'm stressed out.

I badly need a hug right now.

And I need someone to tell me that everything's gonna be okay after tomorrow's hullabaloo is over.

Of Surprise Parties and Two Left Feet

There was a surprise party for me and all my high school and college friends were there. And just when the party was about to end, the guys started lining up and they danced with me one by one (it was like dancing with your 18 roses for your debut). It couldn't have gotten any weirder than that. Ugh.

The party flattered  me. I mean, I'm not going anywhere or something. Maybe it's just a hangover of Jan-Jan and Julia's Despedida party. But the dancing part? No, just... no. I don't dance. I don't like dancing very much. Especially if it's like the type of dance you do during proms and debuts. The kind of dance where you need to have your hands on the guy's shoulders and you have to be really close to each other. No, I really don't like that. It's like... invasion of my personal space. Sigh. It's a good thing it was just a dream.

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT

I, Rachel, do proclaim this to be my Last Will and Testament. I hereby declare that:

I.                   Should I die, I wish to be buried in a ninja outfit. After the rites of the Roman Catholic Church have been observed, my death would be celebrated by singing my favorite songs in karaoke while drinking beer or wine, to make up for all those times I wasn’t able to drink alcohol because of my allergy. All the music in my computer should be played during my wake and it would last until the last song had been played.

II.             To my beloved parents, I give to you whatever remains of my allowance, as well as my P5 coin bank, which I’ve been saving up all these years. Mom, you can finally get rid of all those stuff toys I keep with me in my bed. Maybe you can donate them to some day care center.

III.           To my sisters, Lyn and Joy, you can have my clothes and shoes and all the girl stuff in my closet. You can also have my dear laptop, Kuro-chan. Watch out for its charger – it attacks when you’re not looking.

IV.           To my older brother, Kuya Bon, you can have my electronics-related books. You can have them all. You may also burn them if you want and build a mini bonfire and use it to roast hotdogs and marshmallows and failed exams.

V.                To my younger brother, Emon, my basketball is all yours (though I’m not sure if it still bounces). You can also have my basketball jersey (to make up for all those times I stole yours) and my Ateneo jacket.

VI.             To my best friend, Karin, I entrust to you my Slam Dunk manga collection. It would be such a shame if it would just be buried with me. I couldn’t possibly read that in my grave – they don’t place light bulbs in your casket, you know. You also have my permission to hack my online accounts. You can use them to scare the shit out of people.

VII.          To my friend, Aimee, I know you wanted my Slam Dunk-themed whiteboard. Steal it in my room if you can. Also, do me a favor and burn all my notebooks with my rants on it. The world would be such a better place if they did not know of my drama.

VIII.       To my friend, Chaii, I’m giving you my collection of folded stars and my glow-in-the-dark stars.

IX.            To my friend, Ronna, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to return all the books I borrowed from you. You can have them back now.

X.                To my friend, Cameh, you can have the sandals I recently bought in replacement for that sandals I damaged last time.

XI.         To my friend, Julia, since you specifically asked for my hair, I guess you can have it. It wouldn’t matter because I’d be wearing a ninja outfit when I get buried and they wouldn’t notice if I have hair or not.

XII.           To my Pokémon-loving friends, I have five miniature Pokémon collectibles in my room so equip your Pokéballs and get ready to catch them. Beware though – I also have a Pokémon trainer with them.

XIII.         To the man of my dreams, it’s such a shame we weren’t able to meet each other. Still, I give you my heart. And no, I don’t mean literally.

XIV.       To all the people I have encountered in the short time that I had, you will forever have my love.

Written after two shots of beer, in the wee hours of the morning, this 9th day of September, 2010, on my bed, in my room, somewhere in the world.

Signed,

Rachel

Running in Circles

I'm doing it again.

Running away, that is. I just... don't feel like dealing with anything right now. It's easier this way -- it always has been. I want to dig up a hole and crawl in it, deep enough where the sun doesn't shine. Deep enough so I can't hear the footsteps of people walking above me. Deep enough that I can pretend I'm in another world.

I'm not really sure what's wrong with me right now. I'm sat here in a corner with my foot up the couch. It would have been perfect except for the frown on my face. Despite the fact that the room is full of people, I feel so... alone. I'm not lonely, well maybe just a bit, but it's different from being alone. It's my fault, though. My introvert side is acting up again. But as much as I wanted to be left alone right now, I want some company. Someone who would stay with me but at the same time, let me be. Someone who doesn't need to talk to me because they'd already understand without me saying a word.

But maybe I just need my best friend to hit me in the head with a paper fan and ask me what the fuck am I doing.

Bluest Blues

I'm a mess. My life is in shambles and I don't know where to start picking myself up. I just want to lie in my bed and stop thinking. I want to not care about anything at all.

I'm stuck. I'm going absolutely nowhere. And it frustrates me that I can't seem to do anything about it. That even when I try to do something, it just doesn't work. It's not the same as before. Nothing's the same as before.

I'm tired. Tired of trying to make anything right. Tired of pretending I'm fine when I'm actually not. Tired of having to do things on my own. Tired of fooling myself that everything is okay -- that everything is gonna be okay because it's not. And I'm not sure if it's ever gonna be. Nothing feels right anymore.

I'm giving up. Because there's nothing else left for me to do. I'm a mess, I'm stuck, I'm tired and it's just not worth fighting for.

Dirty Little Secret

I'll probably tell my friends about this after we have graduated. Maybe a lot of years after we have graduated.

I think I've already told some people that I used to like you but only my best friend knows that I still do.

Well, I'm not even sure myself if I still like you. There are days that I do, some days I feel... just normal, I guess.

It's not like I don't want to tell my friends. It's just that... things are going okay right now between us and I don't want to risk it being awkward again. And by "okay" I mean that we're past pretending that the other does not exist whenever we're in the same room. And at least we're "talking" right now, unlike the usual nods and shrugs.

Things would have been much easier if I had just gotten over you four years ago. Sigh. Why do we have to be so damn complicated?

Block Love

Block U2

This was last weekend, at Kabayan Resort in Laiya, Batangas. It was the first time our block actually had a real outing. Haha.

I... really don't know what to say so I'll write you a letter instead:

My dearest Block U2,

I'm glad I have you guys as my blockmates. I couldn't imagine myself being in another block. I remember our OrSem days when I wrote in my journal how I think we were the "best block ever". Nothing ever made that statement any less true.

I love you guys.

♥ Rachel

Accident Prone

Today I managed to:

• ditch my 7:30 class because I was too lazy to get out of bed.
• catch a slight fever which might be half the reason why I was too lazy to get out of bed.
• get an annoying headache all day.
• break my Starbucks tumbler. :(
• cut my middle finger on broken tumbler.
• cut my left arm on... something.
• bump my right arm on a doorknob.
• get another mysterious scratch on my left arm. D:

I'm not sure if I'm just terribly clumsy today or if someone has managed to cast a curse on me. Le Sigh.

I had a talk with my conscience.

Conscience: Do you hear that?
Rachel: What? I don't hear anything.
Conscience: That's the sound of failure coming to get you.
Rachel: Fuck you.
Conscience: *smirk*
Rachel: Do you hear that?
Conscience: Hm?
Rachel: That's the sound of my heart breaking.


This is a side-effect of failing an exam -- self-pity bordering on insanity. :|

Ganito kapag natatalo ng La Salle ang Ateneo.

Scene 1
(I had a bet with my brother, who's from La Salle, so he texted me right after the game to claim it.)
Kuya: Ok libre mo nalang kami nila lyn dinner mamaya...hahaha
Me: Ehh. Kayo naman nagpapaluto, kaw na lang manlibre hahahaha >:P
Kuya: Aww...kaya pala ang daming 3pts...haha basta libre mo kami mamaya...
Me: Marami rin naman kaming 3pts e beh beh beh beh!


Scene 2
(My Dad, who was watching the game on tv, also texted me after the game.)
Dad: Sensya na ate matindi pala sa 3pts si marata hehe
Me: Si kuya sinisingil ako 500
Dad: Hahaha bayad ka syempre
(I was hoping he would side with me if I tell him that Kuya is demanding money from me but my plan backfired. :|)

Scene 3
(My sister, who is from UST, never let me hear the end of it. I think she was trying to get back on me when I gloated that Ateneo won over UST.)
Mommy: Oh, panalo kayo?
Me: :| *whispers* hindi.
Lyn: Ano? talo kayo? talo kayo? Hahaha
Me: *glares* :|
(after every 5min)
Lyn: Aww, talo. Haha.


Scene 4
(I wasn't supposed to talk to her. But my mom passed me the phone and I ended up more verbally abused.)
Joy: Talo daw kayo sabi ni dad?
Me: Ano naman ngayon?
Joy: Bayaran mo na si kuya.
Me: Ayoko nga.
Joy: Kay kuya bon ako kampi. Hahahaha.
Me: I hate you i hate you. Ibaba ko na yung phone. Babay babay!
Joy: Hahaha. I love you.
Me: Babay! Babay! Babay!
Joy: Ba't hindi mo pa binababa yung phone?
Me: Beh! Babay! *ends phone call*


Scene 5
(I never told her about the bet. I'm guessing Dad did.)
Mommy: Oh, binayaran mo na si kuya?
Me: Hindi pa. Ayoko nga.
Mommy: Eh pano kung ikaw yung nanalo tapos hindi ka binayaran.
Me: *grumbles* okay lang sakin.


It's unfair. Bloody unfair. They were all ganging up on me. Maybe because they think it's funny that I get worked up all too easily. But still. 5 vs 1? That's like playing a basketball game with no teammates! I don't know which side my younger brother would be taking. I didn't ask him cause it might end up to be 6 vs 1 and that would be just pathetic. But I could always guilt him into siding with me because I bought him an Ateneo jersey and shirt before. Ha!