A Stranger in His Own Place

the bell rang
a pot of tea was made,
stories exchanged,
laughter everywhere


but the tea was long gone
stories have ran out
and silence filled the air


so he left his guest
went back to his room
and took off his heavy mask


                                                                 the door remained closed

8 Slices of Pizza and a Basket of Mojos

those were not butterflies in my tummy,

it was just my stomach complaining for the lack of breakfast.

and i wasn't holding my breath because you're near,

it was because of the trashcan on my other side.

I was so frustrated earlier.

Because I was smiling while texting and it shouldn't have happened because there's nothing funny about what we were talking about.

And I refuse to entertain the other reason that could possibly explain why I was acting that way. It's just... ugh. I don't even want to think about it. I don't even want to think that I'm thinking about it.

Looking Back at January

2011.

So I started the year watching and reading angst. Maybe that's why my whole year turned crappy. Well, sort of.

January wasn't that great of a month for me. I was busy with school work, which I wasn't sure I could have handled considering my inability to concentrate for long periods of time and my apparent lack of sleep because of insomnia (which was probably caused by overthinking).

I also had a trip down memory lane during the time when I was still in high school and it really surprises me how much things have changed since then. But I think I'm still as emotionally-repressed as ever.

I really don't have much to say about my January. So I'll just leave a picture of me doing something productive for that month -- which is volunteering for AECES Interface. And oh, please do pardon my face.

Waiting for the groups at F325 with Charlotte and AJ.

With the other Interface volunteers after a successful 1st day. :)

Also, here's a picture of me looking so much stressed. I wasn't lying when I said it had been a busy month.

Haggardo Verzosa, much?

Year End Reminiscing

I had this wonderful idea of looking at how the year went for me so I decided I'm going to make a post for each month this year.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to accomplish by doing this but hopefully I'll figure it out by the time I'm done with it.

And of course I'm also making a draft about my "Grown Up New Year's Resolution List".

So there.

That moment when you get pissed off because someone unexpectedly made you smile.

Well, I wasn't really pissed off that much. It's just that I wasn't really expecting anything (although I admit I was kind of still hoping) and it suddenly came out of the blue and I didn't realize I was already smiling from something so trivial and it disturbs me why I reacted like that in the first place.

Le sigh.


But I feel like I can finally move on now. I don't think he hates me after all. I feel so silly all of a sudden. There goes five years of paranoia and over-thinking. Haha. Well, it's not like I can ask him straight to his face if he hates me or not. Still, five years is a bit too much, even for me. I'm just glad this is settled now. No more awkwardness in the future, I hope. :)

Happy RuHanaRu Day!

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone stands
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
with the life held in your
hands are shaking cold
these hands are meant to hold


Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
move along, move along like I know you do
Even when your hope is gone
move along, move along just to make it through
move along, move along


So a day when you've lost yourself completely
could be a night where your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
hands are shaking cold
these hands are mine to hold



Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
move along, move along like I know you do
Even when your hope is gone
move along, move along just to make it through
move along, move along


When everything is wrong, we move along
Right back what is wrong, we move along

Love is the most important thing.

It's not about how much you have, how much you know, or how much you do. It's about how well you love. Love is what matters most.

How well I love, huh? I'm not really sure.

I feel like I need to do this so I can finally move on. This will be the last, I promise.

19 days. 19 more fucking days until the Most Dreaded Day(s) of the Year.

I know I'm running out of time. I know that. My heart is in a panic but at the same time, I just want to get this done and over with and move on to another phase in my life. This has been going on for far too long already and I feel like that during that entire time, I did more thinking than studying.

This exam is a pathetic excuse for a Licensure Exam.

I do not mean to offend anybody by this but it's true. I just don't see the point in memorizing a gazillion equations and bazillion of terms for this. Fuck, I haven't even encountered more than half of these terms and equations until we took up review and coaching classes. It's like 'take in everything you can until your brain explodes from too much fucking useless information'.

My mind just doesn't work that way. Tangina, kaya nga ako nag-engineer kasi ayokong mag-memorize tapos biglang ganito yung board exam? Tangina lang talaga.

If they really wanted to measure how much of an "engineer" we all are, then maybe they should start looking at the five years we spent in college rather than those six months that we tried to cram all the information in our heads in hopes of passing the board exam.

If I had wanted to memorize a bunch of stupid sections of laws or whatnot, I would have taken up Law, goddammit.

I'm not even sure why I'm doing this. I don't know if I still want this. I am no quitter but I'm tired of fighting. I just don't see the point anymore.

Well, at this rate, I'm not getting my hopes up that I would actually pass the board exam. Of course I'd be happy if I did but I'm not giving myself any false hopes. I don't think I want this bad enough like others do. It's hard to do your best when you don't know what you're doing it for. I'll be giving it my best shot, though. And whatever happens after that, I'd leave it up to Him.

Kayo na Po ang bahala sakin, sa amin.