The World is Messed Up Like That

Mood:
my files are gone... as in, totally GONE! deleted. vanished. prolly corrupted. gone.

i hate this...

of all the folders that could have been deleted in my laptop, it had to be my personal folder. the very folder that contains all my rants and ramblings. my fics. everything.

i would have preferred it more if my entire folder of pictures and songs were deleted instead.

but nooooo, it just had to be my precious folder. TT_TT

it was very personal. it had stuffs i never dared told anybody. things i've written when i'm feeling down or insanely happy. and the fics... i know they weren't that good but they were special to me. i wrote them. they were my stories.

it's unfair. with all this school-related shit i'm going through, that was my only therapy. my own form of escapism. and to suddenly cut me off from that alternate universe, it just feels so bad. like i'm being trapped somewhere that i don't want to be in.

i don't know what i want most of the time. i don't know what i'm supposed to be holding on to. but this is something i don't want to let go of. i feel like i'd go crazy if i let go of this. that was the only thing that is keeping me sane right now.

i'm trying to convince myself that it was gone for a reason. maybe it is time to let go... karin told me that maybe something better will come out of that. that maybe it was really time to let go of it and start something different. something better.

but i don't know... i've thought of this a lot before. i've thought of when i'd finally face reality without relying so much on fiction to keep me sane. sometimes, i don't even know what's real and what's not anymore... and most of the time, i don't even want to know. i'm selfish like that.

sigh. i'm starting to feel numb already... after crying over that lost folder, i'm not feeling anything anymore. i just don't want to think about it. at least not for the time being...