An Idiot's Guide to Hiking

We walked/jogged/hiked at Lignon Hills this morning due to my parents insistence. I didn't want to go. It was cold and the bed was warm. I wanted to stay under the sheets. But i realized i'd be leaving again soon so why not humor them and join. It wouldn't even take us an hour to reach the top of that hill and back down. We'd be home in no time. And my bed would prolly be still warm by then.

And now i write this Idiot's Guide to Hiking, for people who wanted to make sure they didn't pass out even before reaching the top of a small hill.

[1] Get some sleep.

When i say sleep, i mean the night before. Not when you're actually jogging up the hill. And make sure to be at bed before three AM and get more than three hours of sleep. Save yourself the trouble of rolling down that steep part off the hill because you, oh, right, slept while walking. Nice going, genius.

[2] Eat a light breakfast.

A light meal consists of more than half a toast and a glass of water. Try cereal. You might have better chances of making it halfway through your hike.

[3] Bring water. Embrace it. Treasure it.

You are not in a desert. Take advantage of any water you can find and bring it along with you, you lazy ass. You can't expect people to donate droplets of water just because you're dehydrated and you forgot (intentionally left) your water bottle in the car. At the parking lot. At the bottom of the hill.

[4] Walk.

If you're not an athlete, walk. Don't hop. Skip. Jog. Run. Sprint. Just walk. Do not, i repeat, do not challenge a physically fit basketball-loving person to a jog race, even if said person is your younger brother. Need you be reminded that there are no benches for your royal ass to rest on. Said benches are waiting for you at the top of the hill, which, you clearly are not going to reach if you ignore this life-saving guide.

[5] Zigzagging is not - NEVER - a good sign.

Zigzagging can only mean two things: you've just consumed a lifetime-worth of alcoholic beverage or your brain is getting fuzzy due to lack of oxygen (or from drinking too much). When caught yourself in such situation, it is advised to stay at the side, take a couple of deep breaths, and sit for a while. Well, you can sit on the ground if you want since there are no available couches for you. But if you have a fetish for rolling down a hill like Jack and Jill, you can continue zigzagging your way up.

[6] Reached the top of the hill, eh?

Go on and see your checklist. Top of the hill? Check. Benches? Check. Awesome view? Check. Headache? Check. Difficulty in breathing? Check. Foggy eyesight? Check. Slipping consciousness? Double check. 

Water? Nu-duh. Brother? Gone. Sister? Gone. Parents? Still on their way up. 

Congratulations, genius. Way to go. *confetti* It won't be a matter of time before you find your way back to the foot of the hill. Rolling down, of course. You just need to wait a couple of minutes before you pass out, fall down your pretty bench, and roll all the way down. Don't worry, you're still going to meet your parents who are still on their way up. And make sure to excuse yourself to the joggers who need to make way for you.


'til the next hiking trip. Enjoy.