Bluest Blues

I'm a mess. My life is in shambles and I don't know where to start picking myself up. I just want to lie in my bed and stop thinking. I want to not care about anything at all.

I'm stuck. I'm going absolutely nowhere. And it frustrates me that I can't seem to do anything about it. That even when I try to do something, it just doesn't work. It's not the same as before. Nothing's the same as before.

I'm tired. Tired of trying to make anything right. Tired of pretending I'm fine when I'm actually not. Tired of having to do things on my own. Tired of fooling myself that everything is okay -- that everything is gonna be okay because it's not. And I'm not sure if it's ever gonna be. Nothing feels right anymore.

I'm giving up. Because there's nothing else left for me to do. I'm a mess, I'm stuck, I'm tired and it's just not worth fighting for.

Dirty Little Secret

I'll probably tell my friends about this after we have graduated. Maybe a lot of years after we have graduated.

I think I've already told some people that I used to like you but only my best friend knows that I still do.

Well, I'm not even sure myself if I still like you. There are days that I do, some days I feel... just normal, I guess.

It's not like I don't want to tell my friends. It's just that... things are going okay right now between us and I don't want to risk it being awkward again. And by "okay" I mean that we're past pretending that the other does not exist whenever we're in the same room. And at least we're "talking" right now, unlike the usual nods and shrugs.

Things would have been much easier if I had just gotten over you four years ago. Sigh. Why do we have to be so damn complicated?

Block Love

Block U2

This was last weekend, at Kabayan Resort in Laiya, Batangas. It was the first time our block actually had a real outing. Haha.

I... really don't know what to say so I'll write you a letter instead:

My dearest Block U2,

I'm glad I have you guys as my blockmates. I couldn't imagine myself being in another block. I remember our OrSem days when I wrote in my journal how I think we were the "best block ever". Nothing ever made that statement any less true.

I love you guys.

♥ Rachel

Accident Prone

Today I managed to:

• ditch my 7:30 class because I was too lazy to get out of bed.
• catch a slight fever which might be half the reason why I was too lazy to get out of bed.
• get an annoying headache all day.
• break my Starbucks tumbler. :(
• cut my middle finger on broken tumbler.
• cut my left arm on... something.
• bump my right arm on a doorknob.
• get another mysterious scratch on my left arm. D:

I'm not sure if I'm just terribly clumsy today or if someone has managed to cast a curse on me. Le Sigh.

I had a talk with my conscience.

Conscience: Do you hear that?
Rachel: What? I don't hear anything.
Conscience: That's the sound of failure coming to get you.
Rachel: Fuck you.
Conscience: *smirk*
Rachel: Do you hear that?
Conscience: Hm?
Rachel: That's the sound of my heart breaking.


This is a side-effect of failing an exam -- self-pity bordering on insanity. :|

Ganito kapag natatalo ng La Salle ang Ateneo.

Scene 1
(I had a bet with my brother, who's from La Salle, so he texted me right after the game to claim it.)
Kuya: Ok libre mo nalang kami nila lyn dinner mamaya...hahaha
Me: Ehh. Kayo naman nagpapaluto, kaw na lang manlibre hahahaha >:P
Kuya: Aww...kaya pala ang daming 3pts...haha basta libre mo kami mamaya...
Me: Marami rin naman kaming 3pts e beh beh beh beh!


Scene 2
(My Dad, who was watching the game on tv, also texted me after the game.)
Dad: Sensya na ate matindi pala sa 3pts si marata hehe
Me: Si kuya sinisingil ako 500
Dad: Hahaha bayad ka syempre
(I was hoping he would side with me if I tell him that Kuya is demanding money from me but my plan backfired. :|)

Scene 3
(My sister, who is from UST, never let me hear the end of it. I think she was trying to get back on me when I gloated that Ateneo won over UST.)
Mommy: Oh, panalo kayo?
Me: :| *whispers* hindi.
Lyn: Ano? talo kayo? talo kayo? Hahaha
Me: *glares* :|
(after every 5min)
Lyn: Aww, talo. Haha.


Scene 4
(I wasn't supposed to talk to her. But my mom passed me the phone and I ended up more verbally abused.)
Joy: Talo daw kayo sabi ni dad?
Me: Ano naman ngayon?
Joy: Bayaran mo na si kuya.
Me: Ayoko nga.
Joy: Kay kuya bon ako kampi. Hahahaha.
Me: I hate you i hate you. Ibaba ko na yung phone. Babay babay!
Joy: Hahaha. I love you.
Me: Babay! Babay! Babay!
Joy: Ba't hindi mo pa binababa yung phone?
Me: Beh! Babay! *ends phone call*


Scene 5
(I never told her about the bet. I'm guessing Dad did.)
Mommy: Oh, binayaran mo na si kuya?
Me: Hindi pa. Ayoko nga.
Mommy: Eh pano kung ikaw yung nanalo tapos hindi ka binayaran.
Me: *grumbles* okay lang sakin.


It's unfair. Bloody unfair. They were all ganging up on me. Maybe because they think it's funny that I get worked up all too easily. But still. 5 vs 1? That's like playing a basketball game with no teammates! I don't know which side my younger brother would be taking. I didn't ask him cause it might end up to be 6 vs 1 and that would be just pathetic. But I could always guilt him into siding with me because I bought him an Ateneo jersey and shirt before. Ha!

It's SenKosh Day.

And it would be rude not to celebrate it. Ha.

PS:

I totally forgot that it was SenMitHana Day yesterday. Not that we do celebrate it or anything. Just sayin'.

07/11/10

Happy SenRuHana Day!

Well, I'm not really a fan of that but as Karin said, this doesn't happen for another century and not more accurately for another millennium.

I'm more excited though for HanaRuHana Day. I should be, since that's my OTP. Haha.

20

Last Thursday, we had a batch dinner at Max's in SM Marikina because of the Chicken-All-You-Can promo. And despite having not eaten anything for the entire day (because I woke up late and I was too lazy to go to the cafeteria) except for some biscuits and water, I was only able to eat three chicken. I was aiming for four but I was already full by the time I had my second one and I was only forcing myself to finish the third one. Pity that.

There were 22 of us that night. Alvin was the one who took the picture so he wasn't there with us. Haha. And the foreigner in the picture is Rasmus, the Danish guy who is working with Lester and Ronna for their part-time job. He was their birthday gift for me. Hahaha :))

Well, on another note, I had a pretty awesome birthday. I watched Toy Story 3 again with Dad, Kuya, and Lyn (I might have cried a tear or two, or three by the end of the movie. Meh, I think it's safe to say that I will always cry when I watch that movie. It's just so heartbreaking). And I sort of think of this dinner as a post-birthday celebration with my batchmates. And two weeks ago, my high school batchmates came over to my place for a spontaneous reunion (although I got reprimanded a bit for having so much people over, it was still fun).

Also, my Facebook wall was flooded with birthday messages from a lot of people! Even some grade school friends who I haven't spoken to in years (Read: My grade school crush greeted me, too. I had to laugh. Kung binati niya ako 10 years ago, sana kinilig pa ako. Hahahaha). And I somehow felt weird browsing through all the messages. Weird but happy.

And I've actually gotten over my birthday blues. 20 isn't such a bad number, after all. :)

When I get sad I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead. And since it was my birthday , I felt a hundred times more awesome. :3

The First of July

So I've been dreading the first of July since who-knows-when because of my upcoming birthday. I think this is the worst case of birthday blues I've ever had simply because I'm turning twenty this year and I don't particularly like that number because 1) it means I'm old and 2) there's something off about it.

Anyway, aside from me stressing over the inevitable, Loki, the god of Mischief, has other plans for me today. I woke up late (read: 15 minutes before the time) for my Sociology class and I had to rush to school because our teacher told us last meeting that we're going to have a group activity today. I arrived in Faura AVR (because that's where we were supposed to meet, instead of our usual classroom in CTC) 15 minutes late and found that the class was watching some sort of documentary about Marcos and Malacañang (FYI: I found out that there was a "ghost" of Quezon's butler in the palace during Marcos' time. Creepy. :O). I was seated in the corner at the back, silently glancing around the dark room for familiar faces. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any because my classmates are all sophomores and I don't know any of them. But I started thinking that I might be in the wrong classroom because my teacher is nowhere to be seen. Besides he didn't mention anything about watching a documentary, unless he wanted us to analyse how people socialize with each other during the Marcos period.

So I went out of the room, ninja style, and went to our classroom in CTC to check if the class moved back there. But it was empty and I felt stupid for leaving the AVR in the first place because that means I have to sneak back in. Then a classmate texted me that we were given a free cut and I was like, "Oh. I woke up this early for nothing. My next class is in ten hours."

In my five years in college, this is only the second time I found myself in the wrong class. The first one was during the second day of my fifth year. I'm starting to think that the older I get, the more stupid I get, too. Who ever said wisdom can be earned through the years? Apparently, I'm not getting any wiser and my brain cells are slowly dying. I mourn for their death.

I have six more hours to spare before my next class. And six more days to contemplate before I officially become a tween.

God, I need more time.