I feel like I'm terribly sick. But I don't want to see a doctor because I'm terrified of hospitals and anything related to medicine.

I'm serious, though. This isn't one of my "ohmygod I'm going to die" moments of exaggerated pain and paranoia. I seriously think I'm sick. Probably, but I really really really fucking hope not, the dreaded C word. And it scares the fuck out of me.

Like, how do you even tell people that you think you're sick? They'd probably just tell you to "man up" and "stop exaggerating". And God, I hope I'm only exaggerating.

It's not like I haven't thought of going to the doctor to make sure. But just the mere thought of seeing a doctor makes me cry and hyperventilate and possibly break down from an anxiety attack. So I convince myself that I'm okay even though I'm pretty sure I'm not okay and I know this is probably the dumbest thing I've ever done (or didn't do) but I don't really know what to do and everything about this is making me freak out.

Dream Frenzy

Dear subconscious,

Flying potatoes on a pogo stick, just what the fuck are you smoking!?

I mean, what the fuck was that!?

I absolutely have no words for my dreams recently. And it doesn't help that I might be a bit of a seer because even if there is just .001% of my dream happening, just the thought that it might happen is enough to make me panic.

I don't really mind the snogging part. I mean, I've read a lot of fanfictions so I'm definitely not a prude. But what really got me panicking was who I was snogging. I mean, he's okay but I don't even like like him. And I woke up and I was like "fuck fuckity fuck what the fuck was that why". Just... oh god, no.

And as if that wasn't enough, I'm not sure if last night's dream was worse or not but I was getting married. Almost. But holy guacamole, I don't even have a boyfriend and suddenly I'm dreaming of marriage? What the actual fuck. No no no no no. Totally not okay.

I don't think I can take another dream hinting to any kind of relationship so please please please, subconscious, I am begging you, give me a decent dream tonight. Something with rainbows or butterflies or unicorns or OTP-related fluff. Just leave my non-existent love life alone. I can handle it on my own, thanks very much.


severely concerned and traumatized,
Rachel

i sent you a message in a bottle
and tossed it in the sea
hoping you'll read it someday
and maybe you'll come back to me

This sentence has five words.

Here are five more words.

Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety.

Now listen.

I vary the sentence length, and I create music.

Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony.

I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length.

And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this:

it is important.

(Gary Provost)

"Kuriere des Himmels, beachten Sie meinen Vorwand,

(Messengers of heaven, heed my plea,)

Schenken Sie die Energie der Zeit zu mir,

(Bestow the power of time to me,)

Beantworten Sie dieses Benennen,

(Answer this calling,)

Stoppen Sie des fallenden Diebes,

(Stop the thief’s falling,)

Frieren Sie seine jede Bewegung ein,

(Freeze his every movement,)

Gerechte Endzeit für einen kurzen Moment,

(Just stop time for one short moment,)

Und bringen Sie sein Leben zurück zu mir zurück!"

(And return his life back to me!)

Unspeakable

I have always preferred writing to talking. People think I don't complain but I do. I complain a lot but I don't like talking about it. I write about it.

That's why this whole cybercrime shizzery is driving me insane. I'm not tactless with what I write. I actually think a lot before writing/ranting about something because I don't want to offend anyone. But with this cybercrime law that is going to be implemented, I had to think about what I'm going to write twice as much as before because I might end up in prison for saying something that people might interpret as libel or something rebellious against the government.

It's stupid. It's so fucking stupid. People should be allowed to express themselves without the fear of being thrown in jail for being honest. Since when did speaking up became a crime? Next thing we know, the government would be declaring a 500 words-per-day policy. And when that happens, I'm packing my bags and moving to Jupiter. I might have better chances at having a decent non-freedom-threatening conversation with an alien.

I mean, seriously. I don't even talk that much to start with. I spend more time writing/blogging online than actually talking. And then suddenly there's a law that can get me warrant of arrest for even "accidentally" saying something that the government does not agree with? That's a giant ball of bollocks.

I don't even want to talk about this anymore. It's just getting more frustrating by the second. I do agree with the other crimes that are said to be punishable under the cybercrime law. But putting freedom of speech in the same level as those crimes is just so wrong on so many levels.

I rest my case.

Wake Up Call

Okay wow, do I really just have seven blog posts before this one? They're not even much of a post. I have been slacking off lately, haven't I? But I guess we all have our "bad days", or in my case, "bad months".

Well, it's not as if the past couple of months had been entirely bad. They weren't. But they haven't been exceptional, either.

I'm in a bit of a slump, actually. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be doing. Everything just seems to be monotonous. And for someone who doesn't like change much, at this point I wouldn't exactly mind a bit of a spontaneous adventure.

I don't think this post will make much of a sense. Whatever's left of my non-existent writing skill are currently accumulating rust. I just... don't know what to write about anymore.

Anyway, I promised myself I would update this blog today so here it is. It's not much but hey, it's a start. Hopefully I would be able to write some more before the year ends. :)

I've been drowning myself in so much words lately. Maybe to escape the fact that I need to create words, myself. 


But it's so easy to get yourself lost in a sea of words. 

Hundreds and thousands of words that never seem to end.

And you're drifting -- just  drifting until a crest of wave washes over you.

                  One

           after

     another.

Repeatedly, 

but never quite the same.

Some violent,

others, calm. 

Some cold,

others, warm.

You welcome them all

and let yourself drown some more.

(I grabbed these questions off tumblr because I'm bored and I needed something to awaken the almost-gone muses in me because I need to get back to writing.)


Favourite boy band of 90’s?
A1. I think they're the only band which I can actually name all the members. Haha. But I do like Westlife's songs, too.

Favourite food? 
Ooh. This is a tough one. I'll say sinigang this time.

What do you want to be when you’re older? 
A scientist.

First thought this morning? 
"...that was a weird dream."

Are you listening music right now? 
It's on shuffle. Carry You On by James Blunt is playing right now.

Favourite song ever? 
I don't think I have a favorite. There's just too many! And it depends on my mood.

Do you like piercings? 
I'm okay with ear piercings but other than that, no.

Favourite subject? 
Math (okay, I'm a nerd. the earth revolves around the sun. let's get over it.).

Favourite holiday of the year? 
Christmas.

Do you have tattoos or piercing? 
Ear piercing but I haven't been wearing earrings for years.

Have you ever met a famous person? 
Michael Johns. and Xian Lim (hahaha!).

Your nails are painted right now? 
Nope. But I probably should.

One country you would like to visit:
England! (but honestly, I'd love to go to any country in UK)

Favourite book? 
I really like Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom.

Do you watch any television series? 
YES! The ones I'm currently hooked to right now are Merlin, Sherlock, Once Upon a Time, and Psych.

Last dream you remember? 
I know my dream last night was weird but I can't remember what it was about. I think it involved covering up some crime or something and I'm not sure if I'm trying to solve the case or if I was part of the group covering it up. Haha.

Favourite colour. 
Blue. And Purple.

Tea or coffee? 
Coffee. I'm not very fond of tea. I don't even drink milktea that much. It's more of an acquired taste. And I only drink wintermelon milktea.

Something you hate. 
Cockroach! Not only do I hate them, I am also absolutely terrified of them.

OTP: 
Ohmygod. There's a lot! Right now I'm obsessed with Merthur/Brolin.

Do you speak more than one language? 
Yes. Filipino, English, and some basic Japanese.

Do you have any pets? 
We have two dogs at home. A maltese and a cross-breed of golden retriever and labrador.

Summer or winter?
Winter. Although I don't like the cold that much. And we've never had winter here in the Philippines. But winter always looked so pretty in pictures.

Dear subconscious,


Okay, that's it. You're dead. You are so dead.

Two nights in a row? Really? Couldn't you have waited for a week, or a day, at least? You're doing this to spite me, aren't you? You insufferable git.

That's not even the worst of it.

I'm doing my best here to move on to another phase in my life and here you are, reminding me of things that I don't want to think about but I am now forced to think of because you fucking decided it would be such a good idea to make them appear in my dreams.

And now I am confused because I'm not sure if I'm still supposed to think about it because I really don't want to be thinking about it because I don't care. Anymore. I don't care anymore, okay?

And oh god, you are so fired. I'm getting another Jiminy Cricket.